ok... I don't seem to be able to write anything but weird stuff lately...
WARNINGS: no lemon, sorry... flashback city and disjointed thoughts
DISCLAIMERS: standard disclaimers apply, I own no one recognizable.... song by The Who
Blauaeugig
/..blah../ = lyrics
*..blah..* = flashbacks/thoughts
Remembrances.
Memories.
It's funny how they strike, at odd times, without warning. Sometimes it's an anniversary of some sort. Sometimes it's stress induced, either the weight of stress or the release of stress. Other times memories come unbidden in the night, when sleep is elusive and the sky is the ebony of the new moon.
Heero rose quietly from the warm bed, his movements slow so as not to disturb his companion. He padded softly on cat feet to the window seat and settled there, staring blindly through the glass to the empty sky beyond. He knew better than to fight the memories, for memories choose their own moments and are mastered by none. Drawing his legs up to wrap his arms around his calves and rest his chin atop his knees, he forced himself to relax and let the memories wash over him in jagged snippets of lost time....
/No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes/
*He sat stone faced and listened to Duo ranting. He knew Duo was just
letting off steam, railing at fate and necessity but it didn't wound any
less for all that. Decisions had to be made, sacrifices were required,
war is not fought on sympathy. He watched as Duo's arms flailed and his
hands stabbed forward as he made his point. There was so much fire there,
so much passion. Passion for all things, life and living, fighting and
dying. Yes. The self-styled God of Death would die with passion too should
it happen. Heero was suddenly struck with an unbearable weight of sadness
at the thought of Duo dying. He reached within to taste the feeling, to
examine why this one death would be so much worse than all the others
that had surrounded him. No...*
/No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies/
*Deny. Deny. Deny. Admit nothing. Give nothing. Need nothing. Need no
one. Complete the mission. Nothing else matters but the mission. There
is nothing else. Never will be anything else. There is no need, no longing,
no desire, no beauty. No peace. No love. No...*
/But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be/
*Skin whispers against skin, limbs tangled together in dappled starlight.
A sigh. A murmur. A kiss. A recurring moment of disconnected unreality.
A fantasy. A descent into wishes and hopes unspoken and unacknowledged.
Desire brought forth in the night, denied in the light. Passion and want,
burgeoning heat rising and fulfillment within reach. So close. So close.
Awakening, startled and burning, eyes wild in blackness. A dream. Only
a dream. No completion. No resolution. No...*
/I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free/
*Eternity stretches on in the depths of space. Time has no meaning. There
is only perception and the mechanical devices set to record the arbitrary
passage of the hours. Time to plot. Time to think. Too much time. Movements
automatic. No distractions from dreadful purpose. No allowance for error.
No sympathy. No companionship. No shared burden. All on him. No choices.
No warmth. No...*
/No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you/
*Conflict within, conflict without. Battles raging in bright haloes of
flashing light. The brilliance of death, the wink of an instant. The eye
blinks and another life is gone, its passing marked and recorded only
in a brief moment of retinal discomfort. Pity for the dead. Envy for their
rest. An overwhelming flood as controls are manipulated over and over
to produce an endless stream of vivid passings. Lost in the debris of
shattered existence. Twisted metal graveyard. Who mourns their souls?
That atonement is not allowed, regrets are not allowed. And yet. And yet.
The sharpness of conscience brought on by a mind's-eye glimpse of a child's
innocent acceptance. The first taste of consequence, the bitterest of
all flavours wrapped in the sweet fragrance of a summer blossom. No understanding,
only punishment. No human connection. No allowances. No closure. No...*
/No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through/
* Bright mirror flash. Unrecognized stare. Unable to reconcile the closed
expression in the mirror with the bubble of feeling beneath bone and skin.
Fingers press at hollowed cheeks, manipulating muscles rusted with disuse.
A fist striking glass, obscuring the parody of a genuine grin. No smiles.
No lighted grins. No soft expressions for those most cared for. No tears.
No pouts. No rage. No...*
/But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be/
*Is there a future? What fresh exotic pain awaits there? A small thing
wished for, dreamt of. Peace. Stillness. The touch of a loved one. The
laughter of a friend. A home. A belonging. A permanence. No more running.
No more death. No more destruction. No more hiding. No more fear. No...*
/I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free/
*What strength does it take to remain uncollapsed under the weight of
so many deaths? A burden of responsiblity too wide for narrow young shoulders.
Back stiffened with resolve and the need to believe. To believe in the
fight. To believe in the cause. To believe in the sacrifice of so many.
No time for doubts. No chance for second thoughts. No wavering in the
face of it all. No hesitancy. No room to maneouvre. No weakening. No...*
/When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool/
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat/
*Everyone needs someone to protect. Someone to keep safe. Who protects
the protector? Who comes when they call? Who answers their unspoken need?
Who finds them in the night to dry their tears? Who takes the weight of
responsibility upon themselves and carries that burden for a time? Who
looks them in the eye without judgement? Who understands? Who creates
a haven free of suffering, free of pain? Who consoles what is unconsolable?
Who...*
"Heero?"
Heero turned with a watery smile, a hand lifting to swipe at the wet traces slipping down his face.
"Ahhh Heero... remembering again huh?"
"Yeah."
Heero watched as Duo flipped back the covers and held out his arms wide and open.
"Come here you."
Heero jumped from the window seat and ran back to the bed, burying himself in the arms that closed around him. A warm hand slid up and down his back, soothing his chilled skin. Duo's chin rested atop his head and he crooned quietly under his breath, a repetition of soft comforting vocalizations. Gradually Heero's shivering body warmed and calmed, his frame settling into Duo's as he began to slip into sleep.
"I'm sorry I woke you Duo but sometimes..."
Blue eyes closed on a breathy sigh across tousled hair.
"I know..."
/No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes/
_owari_
SteelSong
09/2001